L’evidence : The original Heinz bottle was a thing of beauty. Classic design, simple execution, but the modern world’s obsession with ensuring that the witless masses have it as easy as possible ruined things.

The only difficulty with the glass bottle was getting started. It required a few firm pats on the bottle’s arse, so to speak, and the delicious ketchup would flow. If you were weak of forearm simply inserting a knife into the open bottle would ensure the consistent seeping. It was not, it must be said, a very big chore for anyone with even the vaguest brain function.

But one day some bright spark got an idea. ‘A plastic bottle!’, he thought. ‘One which people can squeeze and there will never be any need for arse patting or knife inserting. I am so fuckin’ awesome!!’

Time, however, tells a different story. The normal sized plastic bottle appears to be fine but once you get to the large one or the ‘50% extra free’ bottle you notice the problem. When there’s around 1/3 of the ketchup left the plastic bottle becomes practically unusuable. The plastic makes that horrible crinkling plastic sound like when you squash a water bottle but no ketchup comes out. There’s a huge design flaw.

You have to put up with this ghastly noise and not even get any ketchup to make it worthwhile. You have to unscrew the white nozzle bit and watch huge puddles of the stuff come out instead of the nicely directed stream you were expecting.

As they say on the internets, Massive Fail. And when the main selling point appears to be ‘Stay clean cap’ and not ‘Easier dispensing of ketchup’ then you know they’ve got it wrong.

Le Verdict : The person who sanctioned the design and manufacture of this bottle is unquestionably history’s greatest monster, the spoiling something that should be great, Le Cunt.