Le Cunt : Lisbon hating, slap-head, Declan Ganley

L’evidence : The man is a spoofer.

June 8th, 2009. Declan Ganley said:

I sought a democratic mandate and I didn’t get one, and that’s how democracy works. And as I said I can take no for an answer. I will not be involved in the second Lisbon campaign, I’ve said that upfront. I’ve got to get back to work.

Fast forward a few months and Ganley is back campaigning for a ‘No’ vote for the Lisbon Treaty.

I had said that I wouldn’t get back involved unless provoked and I feel very provoked.

I didn’t hear him say anything about coming back if he were provoked. He simply said he would not be involved in the second Lisbon campaign.

Yet here he is. Aligning himself with fantastic people like Sinn Fein and right wing, racist, homophocic, mysogynist cuntbags like Coir.

Truly an upstanding citizen who flies his country’s flag with pride.

Oooops.

If you haven’t already keep an eye on this blog which in turn keeps an eye on Ganley. Notice we haven’t even said a word about his links to the US Military.

It seems he can’t actually take no for answer. Maybe he’d take ‘Fuck off you suspicious looking baldy cunt’ as an answer.

Le Verdict : Whatever you think about Lisbon having this cunt campaigning for No makes Yes all the more attractive, the crap political party making Le Cunt.

(19 votes, average: 7.89 out of 10)

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Popularity: 5% [?]

Le Cunt : The need to break with all good protocol and lay cable in someone else’s home.

L’evidence : Like most well educated folk I keep my pooing to my own house. It is comfortable, the reading material is plentiful and I do not have to worry about stinking out the place.

However, every so often one is caught short and you have to go against every instinct in your body and take a crap in someone else’s gaff.

The reason this is a problem is because you never take a good crap, like the ones which come out in less than 10 seconds and require no wiping, or the little rabbit dropping ones which, although they will plinky-plonky in the toilet bowl, are probably the least offensive craps a human can produce.

No, when you have a BM in someone else’s house it’s because you haven’t fully managed to evacuate before leaving home. Perhaps a combination of drink, drugs, kebabs and other substances has left your bowels in a state. The one you plopped at home was barely half-cooked. The other half was still basting in your gizzards and when the bell pings it has to come out.

They are almost always painful, they almost always take an age to fully give birth too and they are, not almost, but ALWAYS, always the smelliest of all shites. If you can imagine the stink of a dead tramp’s corpse, being feasted on by a special variety of maggot who eats the rotting flesh and then vomits out a substance which smells like a mix of 4 day old smegma, Paris Hilton’s minge and a Roscommon slurry pit.

The worst part is there’s always someone waiting outside to use it. Even if you open the window it makes no odds. You have to sit and wait for a while to hope the smell dies down enough so that when that person goes in after you they don’t immediately call the authorities to raze the house to the ground because of the impossible infection that has been unleashed in their bog.

And isn’t always the downstairs loo as well so that when the door opens the stench wafts through the house? It is.

Le Verdict : I love a good poo but having to do it in someone else’s house is a big pile of ‘I know we all poo and all poo smells but Jesus Christ I wouldn’t inflict this on my worst enemy’ Le Cunt.

(13 votes, average: 9.46 out of 10)

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Le Cunt : Budweiser ‘beer’

L’evidence : Americans make lots of great stuff. Like the Rockford Files, the Cadillac, Monster Trucks and mountains with giant faces carved into them but one thing they cannot do well is make beer.

The most famous American beer is, of course, Budweiser. It is vastly popular in Ireland even though it is like drinking carbonated gnat’s urine. Look at the picture below. On the left is a pint of Budweiser. On the right a pint of fizzed up insect piss.

If Budweiser were meat it’d be porcupine chops. If Budweiser were a place it would be the Isle of Man. If Budweiser were a fruit it would be an avocado, utterly bland. If Budweiser were a former English Prime Minister it would be John Major. If Budweiser were a band it would be Westlife. If Budweiser were a solo artist it would be Chesney Hawkes. If Budweiser were a county in Ireland it would be Leitrim. If Budweiser were a football manager it would be Steve Staunton. If Budweiser were an Olympic athlete it would Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards. If Budweiser were a film director it would that cunt who makes those Transformer films. If Budweiser were a car it would be a 1971 Skoda. If Budweiser were a Taoiseach it would be Brian Cowen. If Budweiser were an opposition politician it would be Enda Kenny.

Budweiser is the Enda fucking Kenny of beer.

So with so many other beers out there why do people choose to drink it? Even the mass produced lagers like Carlsberg and Heineken are better, and that’s really not saying much.

Some people might say ‘Oh, you’re just a beer snob’ but that is untrue. If I decide to eat a delicious meal instead of a plate of my own crunchy shite it’s because the shite tastes like shite, not because I’m a food snob.

If you were to give me the choice between drinking a pint of Budweiser and drinking a pint of Freddie Mercury’s blood mixed with a pint of the contents of Marc Almond’s stomach I would choose the latter. Those that would choose the Budweiser are the kind who would prefer to eat a frozen kebab from Aldi rather than a well-cooked steak simply because they have to actually cook it themselves. They would turn their noses up at a lobster and eat a fish-finger sandwich instead.

And those Christmassy ads with the horses with the furry boots on have no effect on me, you schmaltzy fuckbags.

Le Verdict : Both Budweiser, for producing something so vile, and the people who actually pay money to drink it, are a load of weak-aled, beer ignoramus, advertising suckered Les Cunts.

(14 votes, average: 10.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Having to shake the hand of some person you have never met.

L’evidence : I submit the image as a mere taster of what has been proferred to me down the ages. Why do we shake hands? It is the done thing. People say it is polite.

But wouldn’t it be just as polite to wave gently and say ‘How do you do?’ when you meet somebody for the first time? If you get to know this person a bit better and you can be relatively sure that they have somewhat clean hands then you can decide it’s appropriate to shake hands when you encounter one another.

How do any of us know where those hands have been? Perhaps they have been fondling the breasts of a gypsy girl, their foul milk and downy fur coating the palms that the person wants you to touch. Perhaps the person you are expected to shake hands with has been fingering somebody or fingering themselves. They may have had an intolerable itch upon their stinkbox and been forced to go beneath the underwear for the kind of scratch that brings some peace.

There are innumerable places a person’s hands might have been before you meet them and, unquestioning, you simply take one of those hands in yours, sweat on sweat, your pores opening to allow the germs, virii, filth and assorted palm flotsam to enter your own body.

It is a filthy, ghastly habit and from this day forth I shall refuse to shake hands with complete strangers. I shall say “Please do not be offended but for all I know you’ve been using your hands to maul spunk into your mouth like Winnie the Pooh eats honey. I am glad to meet you but I will not shake your hand until we are better acquainted”.

I think people will appreciate my forthright approach.

Le Verdict : Society’s rules dictate that we are ill-mannered if we do not shake hands but surely it’s bad manners to wipe your own grime onto the hand of a complete stranger. It’s a load of demure Le Cunt.

(9 votes, average: 5.11 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : The loudmouth twat who can’t keep his mouth shut during a gig

L’evidence : I don’t have any but we’ve all been there. We’re talking small venues, theatre gigs – obviously this kind of person can’t make any impact in a stadium.The song ends, applause dies down and then some wanker thinks that’s the moment for him to try and entertain the crowd.

“Yer a legend, wha?!”

“We love you [artist name]!”

“Play [song that artist is most well known for]! I’ll buy ye a pint!”

“Nice pants/suit/hair/beard/glasses!”

The list of ludicrous unfunny things that these people say is neverending. They don’t understand when people around them start cringing, their toes curling. All they hear is the occassional titter from the few ‘tards in the audience who don’t realise they’re listening to somebody who, if they spent 45 years studying how not to be funny, couldn’t be any less amusing than they are now.

This person does attract the odd critic who almost always kicks in with a timely ‘Shuddup the fuck, wouldya?’, but nothing prevents our pal from shouting stuff. He couldn’t shuddup the fuck even if he wanted to. But of course he doesn’t want to. He plays the crowd for laughs, gets a few, but the one thing he should get he never does.

SuperAIDS.

Le Verdict : Yeah, I know “we’re not in mass here”, but I didn’t come to listen to you barking like a spasticated Frank Carson. Shut your fucking mouth or fuck off to the International to heckle some stand-up on open mic night or something, you blathering, as funny as being raped by an ogre Le Cunt.

Bonus Le Cunt : People who talk constantly during a gig. If you wanted to chat to your friend about your period then you could just have easily stayed in the pub, you pig-ignorant, disrespectful, shitewaffling Le Cunt.

(12 votes, average: 8.33 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : The stupid scabby-arsed plastic Heinz ketchup bottles

L’evidence : The original Heinz bottle was a thing of beauty. Classic design, simple execution, but the modern world’s obsession with ensuring that the witless masses have it as easy as possible ruined things.

The only difficulty with the glass bottle was getting started. It required a few firm pats on the bottle’s arse, so to speak, and the delicious ketchup would flow. If you were weak of forearm simply inserting a knife into the open bottle would ensure the consistent seeping. It was not, it must be said, a very big chore for anyone with even the vaguest brain function.

But one day some bright spark got an idea. ‘A plastic bottle!’, he thought. ‘One which people can squeeze and there will never be any need for arse patting or knife inserting. I am so fuckin’ awesome!!’

Time, however, tells a different story. The normal sized plastic bottle appears to be fine but once you get to the large one or the ‘50% extra free’ bottle you notice the problem. When there’s around 1/3 of the ketchup left the plastic bottle becomes practically unusuable. The plastic makes that horrible crinkling plastic sound like when you squash a water bottle but no ketchup comes out. There’s a huge design flaw.

You have to put up with this ghastly noise and not even get any ketchup to make it worthwhile. You have to unscrew the white nozzle bit and watch huge puddles of the stuff come out instead of the nicely directed stream you were expecting.

As they say on the internets, Massive Fail. And when the main selling point appears to be ‘Stay clean cap’ and not ‘Easier dispensing of ketchup’ then you know they’ve got it wrong.

Le Verdict : The person who sanctioned the design and manufacture of this bottle is unquestionably history’s greatest monster, the spoiling something that should be great, Le Cunt.

(10 votes, average: 8.70 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Pizzas without enough cheese on them

L’evidence : These, admittedly, are often cheap frozen pizzas but surely there must be an international standard which is applied to the manufacture of all pizzas. There should be three things:

1 – Base – crispy, thin, deep pan, whatever. Hard to go too far wrong here unless you’re using ground up breeze blocks as flour. Which is mainly a Chinese thing, I believe.

2 – Sauce – tomato based. Again if you get this wrong you are probably the kind of cunt who can’t spell Michael.

3 – Cheese. Mozarella. It’s very simple. Cover the base and the sauce with cheese. Do not just grab a handful of what appears to be cheese but is mostly sawdust or invisible nothing and then put it on a pizza, freeze it and expect me to eat it.

Not putting enough cheese on a pizza is kind of like not putting enough roof on a car and nobody wants to buy a car which only has 14% of its roof, do they?

You wouldn’t even sell a car with only a bit of a roof because even if you were the most idiotic wanklord that ever existed you would stop and think “There is something fundamentally flawed with the item I am hoping to sell”. Yet the same rules don’t seem to apply for sub €1.99 frozen pizzas. It’s little short of a disgrace.

Le verdict : It may well be a case of buyer beware but in these cruel economic times to be so roundly slapped in the face by bargain priced frozen goods is a load of cheeseless, might as well eat a piece of baked cardboard with Easi Singles on it, Le Cunt.

(5 votes, average: 9.80 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : The never ending glut of unfunny subtitled sketches made from Hitler’s bunker speech in the film ‘Downfall’

L’evidence : Just go to YouTube, look for one. Watch it for 4 minutes and never laugh once. The reason you won’t laugh is because they are not funny. Not even the very first one was funny but every day it is estimated that another 494,000 are belched into life online as Hitler rants and raves about such things as football transfers, X-Factor auditions, Ted Kennedy’s death and the break-up of Oasis.

Here’s a message for anyone thinking about making one:

Fick Dich, Dummkopf!

Le Verdict : There are many things that are not funny in this world. Noel Fielding, Brendan Grace or any episode of Family Guy made in the last three years but the Hitler shit is less than funny than all of them put together, blended up with cancer and AIDS and then injected into your children. Someone needs to send people who makes these things to some kind of chamber to learn about what makes things gas, the unfunny, dich liching Le Cunts.

(8 votes, average: 9.88 out of 10)

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Le Cunt : The exploitation of Muhammed Ali

L’evidence : Muhammed Ali is to be granted the dubious honour of Freeman of Ennis, which is a bit like being awarded the key to Clondalkin for all the good it’d do you.

Stricken with Parkinson’s Disease he is unable to speak, yet he’s wheeled out for people to have their photo taken with him at a dinner he can’t eat. There’ll be a civic reception to give him the award he won’t understand and to add insult to injury there’s going to be an open air concert featuring Mundy. Mundy. For fucks sake.

Ok, so what if the whole tour has been arranged as a charity fundraiser backed by a biotech firm? So what if Ali sits there, glassy-eyed, expressionless, while grinning gombeens have their picture taken with him? So what if it’s tragic beyond words to see the world’s greatest ever boxer destroyed by an illness, a shadow of a man, let alone his former self? So what if an old man is stripped of his dignity for the benefit of others?

So go pay €650 to go have dinner with him and contribute to his exploitation. Tell everyone about the night you met a legend. Go on, you fucking cunts.

Le Verdict : It’s a pitiful sight, like seeing Angelina Jolie sunbathing asleep, naked on the beach and taking a picture of yourself beside one of her tits with your mobile phone, you shameless Le Cunts.

(8 votes, average: 10.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Black people.

L’evidence : Where to start?

Who is the fastest man in the world? A black man.

Who is the best blind singer in the world? A black man.

There hasn’t been a good white basketball player since Larry Bird died. Or retired.

Black people gave us genre defining rappers. White people gave us Sno and Vanilla Ice.

Ever been to mass? It’s boring, isn’t it? Not if you’re black. They have choirs and singing and dancing and clapping instead of dull sermons from child touchers that make you feel guilty about wanking.

Black people are so awesomely great at everything they make white people look crap and as I’m an already crap white person I object to being made look more crap so they’re cunts.

Le Verdict : The reason why there are so many black people in prison in the USA is because the white people are getting as many of them off the street as possible to make themselves look better. Black people should have realised by now they need to tone it down, the better than us, show off, well tanned Le Cunts.

Submitted by : Arthur J Whitey

(11 votes, average: 6.91 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]