L’evidence : As a retired old coot with nothing better to do with his time, Gay Byrne seems to have made it his life’s mission to stop deaths on the roads. It’s his personal crusade – and we’re leaving aside the fact that nobody seems to question why an ex-talk show host was considered the right man to look after road safety in Ireland. It’s kind of like asking Bibi Baskin to stop famine in Africa.

His latest wheeze is to look at the statisics regarding road accidents and young men aged between 17 and 24 and to restrict their use of motor vehicles. His suggestions include:

• A curfew
• Restrictions on the engine size and speed of cars for young men aged 17-24
• Restrictions on who can get into a car with young men aged 17-24

Have you ever heard such a load of shit in all your life? Yes, young men are involved in more accidents because they are young men and young men are, for the most part, kinda stupid.

But if a young man pays his road tax, pays his insurance, pays for his petrol and all the related taxes, then how can you tell him he doesn’t have the same rights as everyone else? An adult is an adult, whether he’s 18 or 88.

How is a curfew going to be enforced anyway? Are men between 17 and 24 going to be made drive specially coloured cars? Perhaps we could tattoo them on the forehead until they have reached a level of maturity which satisifies Gay Byrne.

Restricted engine sizes and speeds = more expense. Most young people, men and women, learn to drive in their parents car, what with them not being able to afford cars of their own. How does Gaybo propose to work this one? And if you own a car, if you pay your road tax, how can anyone tell you who you can and can’t bring in your car? I

Imagine if it were mooted that women drivers were to be curfewed. There would, quite rightly, be outrage. If would be slammed as sexist and discriminatory. Which is exactly what Byrne’s proposals are.

He still talks about drink driving being a menace but he ought to look at his generation and those around him as they’re the ones who grew up drinking and driving and I guarantee you they’re the ones that do it most.

Of course young men are involved in more accidents. They think themselves indestructible, they like speed, they take risks, but they do that in Ireland, in England, in America, in Peru, in every country in the world. You cannot change the character of young men. You simply have to accept that a certain amount of them are going to be involved in, and cause, road accidents every year.

The only way to stop it is to ban cars and that is quite clearly not an option. Pathetic, knee jerk proposals like curfews and engine restrictions are the workings of a man with nothing else to fill his day. What next? Drivers aged between 17 and 24 must spend three years in a special camp to help them focus and pay attention? A Concentration Camp, if you will.

Fuck. Off.

Le Verdict : Gaybo needs to do the honourable thing and sit in his house in Howth, overlooking the sea, and rock back and forward in his chair wearing a comfortable cardigan and slippers, perhaps reading a tedious John Banville novel, the underqualified, stupid rule making, interfering old Le Cunt.

L’EVIDENCE : Like all Bus Eireann drivers,this le cunt decides to turn up over half an hour late in the pissings of rain. Already le cunt. He then decides to take another 10 minutes before finally getting on the road. As soon as we start to move, this le cunt blows the horn on the main street as if he is about to knock someone over.

We all stand up to see what the fuss is. “HOWEYA Tom” roars from le cunts front window,blocking the entire street and holding us up even longer. This le cunts le cuntish friend is just as eligible to be le cunt. After a 5 minute cunty chat about the match on Sunday,les cunts both decide its time to move on with their le cunty lives.

LE VERDICT : This le cunt has no understanding of punctuality or low-down basic human manners. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Le Public-Service Cunt

Submitted by: Ian Healy

L’evidence: The tall ships will bring the best part of a million people into Belfast over the next four days thus raising the cuntage population of the city by best part of a million. Belfast is full of cunts, friends of cunts and people who don’t know they are cunts as it is. The tall ships has given every hick redneck, mouthbreather, tobacco chewing, tractor driving, sheep touching, cow fiddling farmer type from Donegal and beyond an excuse to go to Belfast. It wont be enough for them just to come to Belfast and see the tall ships, oh no they will be wanting fed too.

Their slovenly desire for a, “big feed” will ruin not just my weekend but the weekend of all who toil  on the restaurant floor of Belfast’s many eating establishments. I detest out-of-towners at the best of times but can manage them in small groups. But the arrival of these “tall ships” will see a migration from the farms not witnessed since the potato famine. And seriously, who gives a rats ass about boats anymore? Eh? Even those most massive of cunts, Ryanair at their shittiest are still better than Sealink at their best.

Le Verdict: The Tall Ships are cunts for causing Belfast to be over run with cunts from out of town thus ruining my weekend.

Submitted by: Manuel T Waiter