Le Cunt : Keeping a blog going

L’evidence : Look at the date of this post compared with the last one. I mean, it’s not like there aren’t loads of Le Cunts out there. Nor is it as if there aren’t other people who could contribute to this blog but seem to be too busy living life.

Maybe I should Le Cunt ‘life’ although the suspicious, superstitious in me fears the worst with that one.

Still, gotta get my finger out.

*Writes draft of ‘Having to get finger out*

It’s vicious Le Cunt circle. You know. Vicious.

Le verdict : Blogs are a fucking chore at the best of times. At the worst they’re also a chore, the chorish Le Cunts.

(7 votes, average: 9.57 out of 10)

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Popularity: 100% [?]

Le Cunt : Little fuckers who play football games online who insist on watching replays

L’evidence : Hard to provide. This is a brief one anway. You’re playing FIFA or PES online against some scuttery shit who nearly always plays as United or Barcelona.

They score. You push X or start of whatever to speed things up if possible but the fucker watches the goal from every possible angle, choosing not to cut short the replays.

I don’t know about you but if somebody pointed one of these people out to me when I was sitting in a bar or even just walking down the street I would violate them to within an inch of their life with a trumpet.

Le Verdict : Just get on with the game you online, showboating, replay loving Le Cunts.

(19 votes, average: 8.37 out of 10)

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Le Cunt : The never ending glut of unfunny subtitled sketches made from Hitler’s bunker speech in the film ‘Downfall’

L’evidence : Just go to YouTube, look for one. Watch it for 4 minutes and never laugh once. The reason you won’t laugh is because they are not funny. Not even the very first one was funny but every day it is estimated that another 494,000 are belched into life online as Hitler rants and raves about such things as football transfers, X-Factor auditions, Ted Kennedy’s death and the break-up of Oasis.

Here’s a message for anyone thinking about making one:

Fick Dich, Dummkopf!

Le Verdict : There are many things that are not funny in this world. Noel Fielding, Brendan Grace or any episode of Family Guy made in the last three years but the Hitler shit is less than funny than all of them put together, blended up with cancer and AIDS and then injected into your children. Someone needs to send people who makes these things to some kind of chamber to learn about what makes things gas, the unfunny, dich liching Le Cunts.

(8 votes, average: 9.88 out of 10)

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Le Cunt : Products which do not work as advertised.

L’evidence : Please look at the picture below:

I saw these yesterday in a leading German discount supermarket chain and took three in one go last night but I had no desire to get up and dance to bouncy house music while facing in the direction of the DJ all the while. Nor did I chew the inside of my cheeks off, make strange gurning faces or get any kind of ‘love buzz’.

Blatantly false and misleading. Bastards. So to try and ease my disappointment I decided to buy a game from the iTunes store for my iPhone. I looked around, found the one I wanted and downloaded it. See pic:

‘Brilliant concept’, I thought to myself. ‘Everyone has always thought Steve Davis to be one of the most boring men alive but what better way to shatter that illusion by having a game in which you control where and when Steve Davis poos?’

I had visions of a Super Mario style game where you had to rescue a princess using only your torpedo turds and violent diarrhea as weapons. Boy was I disappointed.

Le Verdict : Things that suggest they do something should actually do that thing instead of building up our hopes then cruelly dashing them, the lying, dissembling, stretching the truth Le Cunts.

(6 votes, average: 7.33 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt: Ashton Kutcher, actor and all round tosspot

L’evidence: If I were to sit here at my keyboard for the next 2000 years I should not have enough time to provide all the evidence that Kutcher is Le Cunt.

For a start his name is Ashton. That is, as names go, most stupid indeed. Also he was involved, as far as I can recall, in one of those ghastly candid camera type TV shows where he played pranks on unsuspecting celebs. Let’s face it, playing a prank on a celebrity is like breaking into a hospital room and having sex with someone in a coma. Anyone can do it but ultimately it’s not terribly satisfying.

He is also a big user of social networking site Twitter. I read that he had a challenge with some other person to see who could get a million followers first. He won this challenge and declared himself the world Twitter champion, or some such nonsense. Now over 3,000,000 people follow his Twitter stream. I’m sure it is an outlet for intelligent, considered thought, such as:

Meeting with Nike foundation to help end the sexual exploitation of girls.

Fantastic – who better than Nike to help end any kind of exploitation! And how considerate of Ashton to look out for them ‘lil ol’ girls.

Don’t it always seem 2 go, U don’t know what U got til it’s gone, they paved paradise & put up a parking lot- Joni Mitchell

If there’s anything worse than the whiny caterwauling of Joni Mitchell it’s transcribing Joni Mitchell into text speak.

Amazing how every day another big business bans or puts restriction on employee use of the social web. They R so scared of losing control.

Yes, how dare employees actually want their employees to work instead of cunting about all day on Twitter and Facebook.

I believe Booing is a low point in cultural ethics and has no place in humanity.

So how else should people express their displeasure? Perhaps they could crow like a rooster or smack their tits together. Saying booing has no place in humanity is like saying applause has no place in humanity and applause would mean nothing if there was no booing. As a celebrity who exists simply for people to tell him how great he is he would understand the value of the negative reaction if he wasn’t such a fatheaded tardbadger.

Now I realise you could go through anybody’s Twitter feed and make them out to be just as futile a human being as Ashton but most people did not star in ‘Dude, where’s my car?’ or any of the other truly awful films he’s been in that I have not seen because they have him in them.

Also, he is a Chelsea fan, a serious medical affliction which can be cured by drilling into the top of one’s head with a Black and Decker special. But does he take such measures? No, he does not, content to remain a Chelsea fan.

Le Verdict: There have been many great monsters in this world. Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, Wrathov Khan, Imran Khan and the lead singer from Maroon 5, but Ashton Kutcher beats them all, the shit filming being in, prank pulling, Twitter loving Le Cunt.

(18 votes, average: 9.06 out of 10)
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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Automatic re-tweeting of people’s Tweets just because they happen to contain a particular word.

L’evidence : This kind of crap:

‘@languageplease’ – Oh my, how witty. Or, to put it another way, how unbelievably pointless. 99.97% of what goes on Twitter is irrelevant anyway and the occasional good stuff gets re-Tweeted when it has been separated from the rest of the chaff. But re-Tweeting something just because it’s got some swear words in it is so pathetic it’s untrue.

Also, they have made me write the sentence ‘Automatic re-tweeting of people’s Tweets’. Tweets. Dear Jesus, what have we become?

Le verdict : Anything that makes the banal even more banal is worthy of being labelled a load of Twitter twatter RT Le Cunt.

(3 votes, average: 8.67 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt: Great Minds, a pyramid scheme of shit constructed entirely of semi-literate goobldegook marketing speak that would sully our very souls with its cynical, faux-spiritual money-grabbing kack.

L’evidence: We may as well begin here, at the pretty, pretty website of the company in question, with its joyfully rotating pictures of people sky diving, rock climbing, and in a brilliant fuck you to their adherents, building a human pyramid. Little do they suspect that the parachutes are rigged not to open but to detonate, that the rocks are made of dick cheese while their crampons are in fact tampons, and that the human pyramid is supported by a guy who will rifle through their pockets as he tosses off to the view of their privates before fucking off entirely to let every other gullible wanker fall to an embarrassing and wasteful fate.

Someone called Sinead Duffy

To briefly address some of the front pages queries: Could we be more productive and effective? Of course we fucking could. Could we be arsed being more productive and effective? Of course we fucking couldn’t. Are we passionate about achieving our goals? We might well be, if we had any. Do we need more focus and certainty? Jesus Christ, no. People who are certain about shit are either morons or cunts. There are no certainties, and the denial of this universal truth is for the religously insane  or the mindlessly robotic. Or you know, wing nut Americans.

It all gets much, much worse as one navigates through the site, inspiring quotes penned by luminaries such as J.K. Rowling, blogs entries detailing the almost running out of petrol plus the life lessons to be learned there from and depressing testimonials from either obscure or entirely made up businesses. There’s life coaching to be had or even a kind of celebrityless Monaghan inspired Scientology.  Also on offer are many levels of courses which enable one to inflict this turgid pyschobabble on one’s help for the measly fee of hundreds and hundreds of euro.

The prosecution rests with this quote from the company’s Twitter feed: ‘I take PRIDE in my work – Personal Responsibility in Delivering Excellence.’ “Le cunt!” I cry, “Le cunt!”

Le verdict: Feeding on the weak-willed, moronic and already festeringly corrupt Irish business world during what will soon become a recession of Icelandic proportions, Great Minds, though thankfully doomed, remains the worst kind of pointless, exploitative, Amercanised bullshit Le Cunt.

(5 votes, average: 7.60 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]