If my name had been Philip, I would have been a pharmacist

Le Cunt: People called Damien.

L’evidence: Legion, so it is. Damiens Rice and Dempsey. Singer songwriters so insipid as to make unseasoned, boiled to fuck cabbage soup made by grandmothers through the ages seem like a tasty night out in a high end curry house.

Damien Thorn, as featured in award winning seventies documentary “The Omen”. While Master Thorne’s aversion to all manner of Catholic priests and churches is something to which your correspondent happily relates, the whole  bringing about end times, employing snarky housekeepers and owning scary dogs pushes Le Beast firmly into Le Cunt territory.

Damien Macken. Called Damo by his  entourage . Anything and everything that does not meet with Damo’s exacting rugby-playing, knuckle-dragging standards is summarily dismissed as “gay”.  The intelligent, the slightly less well off, the nose breathers, all homosexual in the eyes of my erstwhile school chum. One confidently assumes that little has changed in twenty years.

Le verdict: Anyone I can think of whose name is Damien, and if there are others they are surely hewn from the same fossilised shit, is either a sinning against music, sinning against humanity or sinning against my teenage self Le Cunt.

L’evidence : Is it that he thinks he’s funny when actually he’s not?

Is it that his musical efforts are hopelessly twee, bland and stale?

Is that the films he is in are generally shit?

No. It is none of those things although those things count.

It is because he spells his name ‘Foxx’.

You don’t need two Xs Jamie. One is more than sufficient. Two is beyond greedy. It’s cuntish in the extreme. The only way it could possibly be worse is if you spell it ‘Foks’ or some variation of that.

What is wrong with just ‘Fox’? Less is more sometimes.Is there another Jamie Fox out there? Even if there was, why worry? Everyone would be able to tell the difference. One is not a cunt, the other is you.

I do not spell my name Etienne Plutard le Cuntt, do I? No, I do not. That is because I am not a cunt.

Le Verdict : He’s Le Cunt of an actor, Le Cunt of a singer, Le Cunt of a compere, Le Cunt of a comedian but he’s such a fucking Le Cunt for the way he spells his name I’m thinking of changing this website’s name to Le Foxx.

L’evidence : If ever there was an open and shut case of total and utter unequivocal cuntbaggery this is it. Born into a family of impoverished beaver beaters (a blue collar job in Canada), she has risen to almost global domination of the “let’s stay in with a bottle of Shiraz and talk about our relationship” pop market.

Her marriage to uber rich and successful manger helped her cause no end, and even when he got cancer she still managed to produce such magnificently banal hits as ‘My heart will go on’, ‘It’s all coming back to me now’ and the wonderfully awful ‘That’s the way it is’, which somehow managed to reach the top ten in the UK charts in 1999.

Her wild and frenzied gambling problem (this could be hearsay and conjecture) led her to sign a five year deal to perform 5 nights a week in Las Vegas, although built into her contract was an hour break each evening to try and ‘beat the house’. Recently Celine announced she was pregnant with her second child, she denied reports that it would be similar to that hybrid lizard baby in V, but said she was looking forward to releasing some of her rancid breast milk once again.

Le Verdict : Magnificently pointless French Canadian warbler who is feeding the world’s population of mediocre music lovers who have no thought process of their own Le Cunt.

L’Evidence: Firstly, any man who does a piano version of the Beastie Boys ‘(You gotta) Fight for your right (to party)’ is cunt of epic proportions. It’s like the disease that infects Tori Amos climbed right up his arse. Witness:

Secondly, you don’t need a fucking secondly after what you’ve just seen.

Le verdict: “Oh I didn’t mean to cause you trouble”, sang Martin on one of his songs. That also makes him a liar because each new song he produces adds to the vegetarianism of the world and if more people refuse to eat meat then the animals will eventually take over and it will be all Chris Martin’s fault. He is an eminent Le Cunt.