L’evidence : Today I bought a memory stick so as to be able to swap files in a flash.

The first thing you notice is that the memory stick itself is very small. Perhaps, 2 inches in length, 3/4 of an inch in width, yet it comes in plastic packaging many times its size.

We’re constantly being preached about conservationism, protecting the environment and all that yet they package goods in this way. It’s the equivalent of buying a pint of Bulmers and being served it in a jeroboam.

Then there’s the whole problem of getting the thing open. It is impossible to open this kind of packaging without a knife or scissors of some kind. Why? If we can have easy open packets of ham, which you can even reseal, why does a memory stick have to be practically laminated?

Why can’t they just make a small packet that’s really easy to open? Have they made a deal with the scissor and knife makers of the world? Whatever the reasons they are stupid. There’s absolutely nothing sensible or logical about this and it’s time consuming too. Time is money and I don’t have enough money because it takes so much time to open these fucking things.

And where does this excess plastic end up? I’ll tell you. I put it in my Green bin. They come and collect the Green bin and pretend to ‘recycle’ the plastic. Instead, the plastic is shipped to China and buried in giant landfills or it is brought out to sea and dumped to add to the plastic island that engulfs the Pacific ocean. All because these cunts can’t package their products with a bit of sense.

Le Verdict : I now have the ability to quickly and conveniently move files but I also have a load of plastic I don’t want. Start wrapping things in biodegradable packaging like old teabags or brown paper, you wasteful, irritating Le Cunts.

L’evidence : The original Heinz bottle was a thing of beauty. Classic design, simple execution, but the modern world’s obsession with ensuring that the witless masses have it as easy as possible ruined things.

The only difficulty with the glass bottle was getting started. It required a few firm pats on the bottle’s arse, so to speak, and the delicious ketchup would flow. If you were weak of forearm simply inserting a knife into the open bottle would ensure the consistent seeping. It was not, it must be said, a very big chore for anyone with even the vaguest brain function.

But one day some bright spark got an idea. ‘A plastic bottle!’, he thought. ‘One which people can squeeze and there will never be any need for arse patting or knife inserting. I am so fuckin’ awesome!!’

Time, however, tells a different story. The normal sized plastic bottle appears to be fine but once you get to the large one or the ‘50% extra free’ bottle you notice the problem. When there’s around 1/3 of the ketchup left the plastic bottle becomes practically unusuable. The plastic makes that horrible crinkling plastic sound like when you squash a water bottle but no ketchup comes out. There’s a huge design flaw.

You have to put up with this ghastly noise and not even get any ketchup to make it worthwhile. You have to unscrew the white nozzle bit and watch huge puddles of the stuff come out instead of the nicely directed stream you were expecting.

As they say on the internets, Massive Fail. And when the main selling point appears to be ‘Stay clean cap’ and not ‘Easier dispensing of ketchup’ then you know they’ve got it wrong.

Le Verdict : The person who sanctioned the design and manufacture of this bottle is unquestionably history’s greatest monster, the spoiling something that should be great, Le Cunt.

L’evidence : Please look at the picture below:

I saw these yesterday in a leading German discount supermarket chain and took three in one go last night but I had no desire to get up and dance to bouncy house music while facing in the direction of the DJ all the while. Nor did I chew the inside of my cheeks off, make strange gurning faces or get any kind of ‘love buzz’.

Blatantly false and misleading. Bastards. So to try and ease my disappointment I decided to buy a game from the iTunes store for my iPhone. I looked around, found the one I wanted and downloaded it. See pic:

‘Brilliant concept’, I thought to myself. ‘Everyone has always thought Steve Davis to be one of the most boring men alive but what better way to shatter that illusion by having a game in which you control where and when Steve Davis poos?’

I had visions of a Super Mario style game where you had to rescue a princess using only your torpedo turds and violent diarrhea as weapons. Boy was I disappointed.

Le Verdict : Things that suggest they do something should actually do that thing instead of building up our hopes then cruelly dashing them, the lying, dissembling, stretching the truth Le Cunts.

L’evidence: We all like life to be as convenient as possible but nothing takes away all the value from something than having to give up hours and hours to get value from it.

I know it said 4x on the package and on the very discs themselves but I just figured that was a joke of some kind. 4x is so 1978, so before DVDs were even invented. There is absolutely no excuse to produce 4x discs in this day and age, they are the second class stamp of their ilk.

The worst thing though is when you’ve downloaded a whole TV series or a film from free via a Torrent or similar file stealing sharing service and you think ‘Hey, I’ll sit down and watch this on my DVD player downstairs’. You put in the 4x disc, copy the files, press ‘burn’ and 24 hours later you’re still waiting for the thing to finish burning. And that doesn’t even take into account the three months it takes to ‘verify’.

They’re so slow you could actually write, direct and produce the thing you wanted to watch yourself, using a cast of retarded corpses, in the time it takes to burn.

Le Verdict: There are many reasons why Tesco stores should be burned to the ground but none is more important than this. A load of aniquated file storage Le Cunt.

L’evidence:

Image an illustration of can dangers

In this modern age it should be very simple – each can should have a ring-pull removing only the top of the can. The thick edges remain as there is no possibility of slicing one’s finger into little bits when picking it up to throw it in the bin.

But there are manufacturers who refuse to provide the ring-pull, probably in collusion with the can opener cartel who would go out of business if every can was so handy to open. I suspect they have teamed up with the Elastoplast lobby as many can openers now take the whole top of the can off, leaving shards of sharp metal. I mean, you can’t even give the empty can to your toddlers to play with anymore.

It’s a digusting practice and I for one won’t tolerate it a moment longer. To teach them a lesson I will eschew all canned goods and unless there’s a nuclear war then I’m pretty sure I can live without them.

Le verdict: “Who can take a tin can. Open it with ease. Then slice your finger off and watch it get diseased. The can-opener man can. The can-opener man can”.

A dangerous appliance Le Cunt