Le Cunt : The Vintners Federation of Ireland & the Licensed Vintners Association – the cosy cartel that dictates the outrageous prices in Irish pubs.

L’evidence : Like every other industry the publicans are suffering from the harsh economic times. Hospitality is a traditional victim when people have less money in their pockets.

Yet look around. Hotels have reacted. They offer discount rates, at last ridding themselves of the ridiculous per person sharing prices, special offers, midweek breaks, promotions, all kinds. Restaurants too. You can go and get two and three course lunches for less than €20 and find fantastic value every night of the week as they also strive to bring customers back to their premises.

They are doing this by acknowledging the fact that they can offer better value. The simple laws of supply and demand. When demand is low increase it by providing incentives for customers to come back.

The Vintners Federation of Ireland, troubled by job losses and falling trade, have come up with proposals to help save their business. These include cutting VAT rates, cutting local authority rates, ensuring that the current drink driving limit remains the same as it is and other reductions which will help them remain competitive.

Yet will any of those cuts be passed on to consumers? Not a fucking chance. Neither the VFI or the LVA (which is the same thing but for Dublin pubs) have thought for one second about lowering prices to try and bring people back to their premises. When certain pubs offer promotions they are prosecuted. Short term drinks promotions, like Happy Hours, are illegal but even when pubs offer all night promotions, which is perfectly fine, the Vintners put the mockers on those too.

Vintners complain that jobs will be lost. Fuck them. I didn’t hear them complaining when they were charging people €6 for pints in Dublin city centre. Leaving aside the idiocy of the people who drink in those Dawson Street poshbars they creamed it in when people had plenty of cash. Massively overpriced beers, watered down spirits, packed premises which are about as comfortable as an Indian bus journey, and they screwed us every single night of the week. You didn’t hear a word out of them then.

Now on a weekend night in Dublin bars are empty until late, people preferring to stay at home and have a few reasonably priced beers. When a 6 pack of lager costs you €7.99 in the supermarket why are you going to go to a bar and spend €5.50 on one bottle of the same beer?

The obvious solution is for bars to lower their prices and offer better value but the vintners are greedy cunts. Like record companies trying to prevent piracy they’re more interested in nobbling the opposition (as per the Vintners led decision which made off-licences shut at 10pm each night – laughably wrapped up as a way of stopping teenagers binge drinking) instead of providing an answer themselves.

Le Verdict : More jobs are on the line? Good. It serves them right, the avaricious, fat-cat, tavern owning, profit seeking, ignore the realities of the situation and hope their buddies in government will bail them out of it Le Cunts.

(19 votes, average: 9.47 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le cunt: Namby pamby, nanny state gun laws that prevent the depressed, insane and insanely depressed from expressing themselves and their illness in a truly headline grabbing manner.

Who's your money on?

L’evidence: There it is, tucked away in a little BBC News corner of the internet, a mere snippet with all the potential to have been a worldwide story. A suddenly snapping psycho goes on an indiscriminate random rampage armed with what? A fucking penknife. Eight wounded? Pathetic. If  Britain, and indeed the Irish mainland, had reasonable ‘buy a gun in your local Spar’ rules, then incidents of this kind who would have much more drama, excitement and distraction from the drudgery of our daily lives potential. And penknife wielding  is such very, very hard work. The guy was 54, for fuck’s sake. He’s lucky he didn’t give himself a heart attack, what with all the running and the stabbing and the getting wrestled to the ground  And as for all that rich kid Bray stuff, if it was going to happen anyway, and it was, then it was have been quicker and a whole lot less painful to have murder suicided with a semi-automatic weapon. Self-stabbing in the heart, what a fucking chore.

Le Verdict: We will never be able to describe our society as truly convenient until we repeal these antiquated, anti-freedom, Aunty Mary pleasing liberal douche bag guns laws Le Cunt.

(7 votes, average: 4.57 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Ghosts, spirits, echoes of the dead, spectres etc

L’evidence : From 1998 until earlier this year I was haunted by a ghost called Victoria. She was a scullery maid who had died in tragic circumstances in my house many years before.

The incident, I learned over time, took place in the room where I hang up my coats and keep sheets and other assorted linen. Every time I went in to get something she would pop out of the wall or from behind a pile of duvet covers and scare the living shit out of me. Annoying. And that’s not even mentioning the ghost droppings she used to leave behind.

People say ghosts are only there because they have unfinished business in the real world. Well, tough shit, ghosts. The minute you’re dead any connection you had with the real world is gone so you need to get over it and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Ghosts are like the Scousers of the spirit world, they’re always making a drama out of something instead of just getting on with life. However, at least some Scousers have a sense of humour, like Stan Boardman or Cilla Black. Ghosts, on the other hand, are humourless twats.

They think scaring people is their right, well it is not. If they want to float about going ‘Woooooooooooooh’ then fine, just do it somewhere else. People have more important things to be dealing with these days. They are downright unfriendly. When did you ever hear of a friendly ghost apart from Casper? And the only people who want to be Casper’s friends are ghost paedophiles.

Ghosts also think they’re so great because they can go through walls but the reality is that puts ghosts on a par with a sledgehammer or a car traveling at high speed and there’s nothing particularly great about either of those things.

Le Verdict : In short ghosts are a waste of everyone’s time, much like recycling or donating money to charity. They need to realise that nobody apart from some moronic charlatans from Living TV who have a infra-red camera give the slightest shit about them. They are phantom, spooky, apparitionish see-through, misty Le Cunts.

(4 votes, average: 7.25 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Tromboning – an act of love

L’evidence : Obviously this is not something for which I can provide documented proof. You shall simply have to take my word for it. My current partner recently asked me if I would enjoy spicing up our love life. I thought this would be a most splendid idea. Things have become a bit stale recently so I thought he meant me dressing up in suspenders or a bit of outdoor or even backdoor action. I am a lady of the world and have no qualms in accepting that almost any hole is, as they say, a goal. Instead he made me aware that he had a fantasy which involved tromboning. Innocently I wondered what bringing a brass instrument to bed would do and where we’d actually get one, I had thought Waltons might lend us one, but then he outlined the procedure a little further.

Tromboning involves a lady, or a man I suppose, tonguing robustly at the anus of his or her partner whilst providing manual pleasure to the erect member. And to be perfectly honest it wasn’t that unpleasant in itself. He had a shower beforehand and washed the backside area very well so there would be no ghastly surprise tastes. I settled into a rhythm quite quickly and it must have been awfully arousing because inside a couple of minutes he came quite vigorously. The unfortunate part was at the point of ejaculation he also farted. I can still feel the hot parp of air as it went directly into my mouth before I swallowed it. I have swallowed many things in my time, including his ejaculate, but never his farts.

Le verdict : Therefore, I do not recommend tromboning to any woman (or man but I care less about them as a man doing it to another man is sexually deviant) because although there is a certain amount of pleasure to be gained there is the very real danger that you could end up with noxious gas in your mouth. It is an arsey farty le cunt.

(5 votes, average: 7.40 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Paul’s house shitter, somewhere in suburbia.

L’evidence:

Who does he think he is, just turning up at other people’s bathrooms to back one out?  I very much doubt that when Paul’s parents picked up this new air freshener that the intention was to lure annoying uppity, still shitting yellow anyway lecunts. Or maybe it was and him ending up as some perverts finger puppet is what’s needed to put some manners on him. If this little cunt showed up at my door looking to take a shit in my bathroom, he’d find himself at the business end of a shallow grave.

Personally I’d love to have a go at making the other ad, from the point of view of Paul’s house and all who dwell within. I’d let the little cunt go into the bathroom to do his poo as planned and then every member of Paul’s family would get to curl one out into his backpack while he sprayed that air freshner to his heart’s content completely unaware.

Le Verdict : Someone so completely cuntish that he goes to other people’s bathrooms to stink the place out.  And why would you go home just to tell someone you were going back out to shit in someone else’s gaff? Smelly to the point of self disgust, annoying and time wasting Le Cunt.

Submitted by: Maxi Cane

(8 votes, average: 9.75 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt: Rory Crotty, Cork Student.

L’evidence: Please see picture:

This young man is a cunt

“Oh”, I hear you say, “here we go with another irrational diatribe against gingers” but this has nothing to do with his hideously pale skin and flaming locks. He got 9 A1s in his Leaving Cert.

What a selfish cunt, that’s like someone getting all four aces when you play poker. Leave some A1s for the rest of the students, Rory.

Le verdict: Of course Rory is off to study medicine, maybe at this early stage he has grand thoughts of helping people, curing people, researching diseases, perhaps. But in the end he’ll just be another ‘can’t give you more than two minutes because the waiting room is full and I’m golfing at the K-Club this afternoon’ medical Le Cunt.

(9 votes, average: 6.22 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]