Le Cunt : Noel Fielding, alleged stand-up comedian and part of so unfunny they should be shot out of a spunk cannon up a Gorgon’s betentacled quim duo ‘The Mighty Boosh’.

L’evidence : Please watch this video. I know it’s 59 seconds of your life that you will never get back but it is necessary to become fully aware of what this cunt foists upon the world.

Ooooh, he talks in a funny voice and says the word ‘monkey’ in a weird way. That is hilarious. There are tears of laughter streaming down my face.

No, wait. Those are not tears of laughter. They are tears of blood and the juice that keeps your eyes moist because I have gouged them out of my head due to the fact that Noel Fielding is about as funny as losing all your money on the stock market.

And as if that isn’t enough he is friends with Razorlight who are to music what Josef Fritzl is to childcare.

Le Verdict : Fielding lives under the misguided impression that being zany is somehow good, that it’s somehow funny. This is not true. Being zany is for cunts like Timmy Mallet or Jimmy Cricket. He also has stupid hair. In short, he is comedy’s answer to AIDS, a stupid voice talking, unamusing, quadruple zany, Russell Brand looking Le Cunt.

(40 votes, average: 8.70 out of 10)

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Popularity: 7% [?]

LE CUNT : Johnny The Bus Driver, somewhere in rural Ireland it seems …

L’EVIDENCE : Like all Bus Eireann drivers,this le cunt decides to turn up over half an hour late in the pissings of rain. Already le cunt. He then decides to take another 10 minutes before finally getting on the road. As soon as we start to move, this le cunt blows the horn on the main street as if he is about to knock someone over.

We all stand up to see what the fuss is. “HOWEYA Tom” roars from le cunts front window,blocking the entire street and holding us up even longer. This le cunts le cuntish friend is just as eligible to be le cunt. After a 5 minute cunty chat about the match on Sunday,les cunts both decide its time to move on with their le cunty lives.

LE VERDICT : This le cunt has no understanding of punctuality or low-down basic human manners. Ladies and gentlemen, meet Le Public-Service Cunt

Submitted by: Ian Healy

(4 votes, average: 10.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt: Fox News – Rabid, right-wing, scaremongering, pandering to the thick-as-pigshit masses, “news” channel.

L’evidence: As the Obama healthcare healthscare reaches fever pitch in the US they produce this:

Not forgetting they employ this cunt (who we will return to another day):

+ 13,057,485 other issues which due to constraints of time and space we can’t go into.

Le verdict : While nothing they do should surprise anyone it’s still important that people call this cretinous mess of aborted human existence what it is : A disgusting, dangerous, rabble rousing, lying, sinister load of dispatch Le Cunt.

(21 votes, average: 8.90 out of 10)

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Popularity: 4% [?]

Le Cunt : David Dunn, footballer, Blackburn, England.

L’evidence : Speaking about Blackburn’s opening game of the new Premier League season, Dunn said of opponents Manchester City “It’s important we do our best and kick lumps out of them – fairly of course”

Now, don’t get me wrong. I have no serious objection to anybody kicking lumps out of Craig Bellamy, Emmanuel Adebayor, Robinho or any of the other money-grasping, mercenery cuntsacks that City have assembled, but why qualify a statement like that?

How can you kick lumps out of somebody fairly? It’s like saying “I’m going to murder him in cold blood – fairly of course”, as if the so-called fairness somehow makes it all right.

If he had just said “We’re going to kick lumps out of them”, fine. Seeing chunks of Adebayor’s calf or Robinho’s hamstring strewn around the pitch would make the opening day of the season an absolute pleasure but kicking someone so great slabs of their own flesh are removed from their body is known, in football parlance, as a ‘foul’. And a foul by it’s very nature cannot be fair.

Le verdict: Dunn really needs to work on his understanding of the English language. Maybe he was just trying to convey the message that his team would provide a great physical challenge for the Premier League’s Arab playthings but instead he has just made himself look like a stupid, ignorant, Son of Sam Le Cunt.

(16 votes, average: 8.31 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Paul’s house shitter, somewhere in suburbia.

L’evidence:

Who does he think he is, just turning up at other people’s bathrooms to back one out?  I very much doubt that when Paul’s parents picked up this new air freshener that the intention was to lure annoying uppity, still shitting yellow anyway lecunts. Or maybe it was and him ending up as some perverts finger puppet is what’s needed to put some manners on him. If this little cunt showed up at my door looking to take a shit in my bathroom, he’d find himself at the business end of a shallow grave.

Personally I’d love to have a go at making the other ad, from the point of view of Paul’s house and all who dwell within. I’d let the little cunt go into the bathroom to do his poo as planned and then every member of Paul’s family would get to curl one out into his backpack while he sprayed that air freshner to his heart’s content completely unaware.

Le Verdict : Someone so completely cuntish that he goes to other people’s bathrooms to stink the place out.  And why would you go home just to tell someone you were going back out to shit in someone else’s gaff? Smelly to the point of self disgust, annoying and time wasting Le Cunt.

Submitted by: Maxi Cane

(8 votes, average: 9.75 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt: Tesco value DVD+RW discs which come in what appear to be great value bundles of 20 for a little under 8p or thereabouts.

L’evidence: We all like life to be as convenient as possible but nothing takes away all the value from something than having to give up hours and hours to get value from it.

I know it said 4x on the package and on the very discs themselves but I just figured that was a joke of some kind. 4x is so 1978, so before DVDs were even invented. There is absolutely no excuse to produce 4x discs in this day and age, they are the second class stamp of their ilk.

The worst thing though is when you’ve downloaded a whole TV series or a film from free via a Torrent or similar file stealing sharing service and you think ‘Hey, I’ll sit down and watch this on my DVD player downstairs’. You put in the 4x disc, copy the files, press ‘burn’ and 24 hours later you’re still waiting for the thing to finish burning. And that doesn’t even take into account the three months it takes to ‘verify’.

They’re so slow you could actually write, direct and produce the thing you wanted to watch yourself, using a cast of retarded corpses, in the time it takes to burn.

Le Verdict: There are many reasons why Tesco stores should be burned to the ground but none is more important than this. A load of aniquated file storage Le Cunt.

(6 votes, average: 7.50 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt: Tall Ships, the people who drive said tall ships, the people who decided to bring aforementioned tall ships to Belfast and all those unbearable cunts that will go and see these supposedly “tall ships.”

L’evidence: The tall ships will bring the best part of a million people into Belfast over the next four days thus raising the cuntage population of the city by best part of a million. Belfast is full of cunts, friends of cunts and people who don’t know they are cunts as it is. The tall ships has given every hick redneck, mouthbreather, tobacco chewing, tractor driving, sheep touching, cow fiddling farmer type from Donegal and beyond an excuse to go to Belfast. It wont be enough for them just to come to Belfast and see the tall ships, oh no they will be wanting fed too.

Their slovenly desire for a, “big feed” will ruin not just my weekend but the weekend of all who toil  on the restaurant floor of Belfast’s many eating establishments. I detest out-of-towners at the best of times but can manage them in small groups. But the arrival of these “tall ships” will see a migration from the farms not witnessed since the potato famine. And seriously, who gives a rats ass about boats anymore? Eh? Even those most massive of cunts, Ryanair at their shittiest are still better than Sealink at their best.

Le Verdict: The Tall Ships are cunts for causing Belfast to be over run with cunts from out of town thus ruining my weekend.

Submitted by: Manuel T Waiter

(4 votes, average: 9.50 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Can openers which slice the entire lid off the can leaving you with a razor sharp jagged-edged can.

L’evidence:

Image an illustration of can dangers

In this modern age it should be very simple – each can should have a ring-pull removing only the top of the can. The thick edges remain as there is no possibility of slicing one’s finger into little bits when picking it up to throw it in the bin.

But there are manufacturers who refuse to provide the ring-pull, probably in collusion with the can opener cartel who would go out of business if every can was so handy to open. I suspect they have teamed up with the Elastoplast lobby as many can openers now take the whole top of the can off, leaving shards of sharp metal. I mean, you can’t even give the empty can to your toddlers to play with anymore.

It’s a digusting practice and I for one won’t tolerate it a moment longer. To teach them a lesson I will eschew all canned goods and unless there’s a nuclear war then I’m pretty sure I can live without them.

Le verdict: “Who can take a tin can. Open it with ease. Then slice your finger off and watch it get diseased. The can-opener man can. The can-opener man can”.

A dangerous appliance Le Cunt

(13 votes, average: 8.54 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt: Rory Crotty, Cork Student.

L’evidence: Please see picture:

This young man is a cunt

“Oh”, I hear you say, “here we go with another irrational diatribe against gingers” but this has nothing to do with his hideously pale skin and flaming locks. He got 9 A1s in his Leaving Cert.

What a selfish cunt, that’s like someone getting all four aces when you play poker. Leave some A1s for the rest of the students, Rory.

Le verdict: Of course Rory is off to study medicine, maybe at this early stage he has grand thoughts of helping people, curing people, researching diseases, perhaps. But in the end he’ll just be another ‘can’t give you more than two minutes because the waiting room is full and I’m golfing at the K-Club this afternoon’ medical Le Cunt.

(9 votes, average: 6.22 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Chris Martin, lead singer of dreary dullards Coldplay.

L’Evidence: Firstly, any man who does a piano version of the Beastie Boys ‘(You gotta) Fight for your right (to party)’ is cunt of epic proportions. It’s like the disease that infects Tori Amos climbed right up his arse. Witness:

Secondly, you don’t need a fucking secondly after what you’ve just seen.

Le verdict: “Oh I didn’t mean to cause you trouble”, sang Martin on one of his songs. That also makes him a liar because each new song he produces adds to the vegetarianism of the world and if more people refuse to eat meat then the animals will eventually take over and it will be all Chris Martin’s fault. He is an eminent Le Cunt.

(15 votes, average: 9.53 out of 10)

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Popularity: 1% [?]