Le Cunt : Pint sized actor Al Pacino

L’evidence : Please see the video below:

“I’M A FAAAAAAAAAN O’ MAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!”

Le Cunt has exclusively uncovered pictures of both of Al Pacino’s parents. See below:

So, the laws of nature tell us that when two hams have a child it can’t be an actor, it can’t be a doctor or a pilot or a ship’s captain, it can only be a ham.

Al Pacino is thoroughbred, 100% ham. Yeah, he might have been in the Godfather and Serpico but it was obvious he was on anti-hampressants, drugs designed to make him appear normal. As time went by the ham had to come out and we got Devil’s Advocate, Scent of a Woman, Gigli and, let us not forget the hammiest acting performance of all time in the most overrated film of all time, Scarface.

“Why done ju try steeking jur head up jur ass … see eef eet feets”

That’s honey-roasted, Serrano, Parma, Iberico, roasted, boiled, steamed and dry-cured all in one go.

Le verdict : Some people like ham. I like ham. But I like it on my plate, not on the silver screen, Al, you shouty, over the top, Napoleon looking, cooked pig Le Cunt.

(5 votes, average: 5.60 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : People who are unable to spell the name Michael

L’evidence : It’s everywhere. Everywhere.

Le Verdict : You don’t get Jhons, Puals, Divads or Roterbs so why the fuck do we we have Micheals and Michales, you fuckwitted, lazy spelling, dyslexic Le Cunts.

(7 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Gay Byrne, former TV presenter and now chairman of the Road Safety Authority.

L’evidence : As a retired old coot with nothing better to do with his time, Gay Byrne seems to have made it his life’s mission to stop deaths on the roads. It’s his personal crusade – and we’re leaving aside the fact that nobody seems to question why an ex-talk show host was considered the right man to look after road safety in Ireland. It’s kind of like asking Bibi Baskin to stop famine in Africa.

His latest wheeze is to look at the statisics regarding road accidents and young men aged between 17 and 24 and to restrict their use of motor vehicles. His suggestions include:

• A curfew
• Restrictions on the engine size and speed of cars for young men aged 17-24
• Restrictions on who can get into a car with young men aged 17-24

Have you ever heard such a load of shit in all your life? Yes, young men are involved in more accidents because they are young men and young men are, for the most part, kinda stupid.

But if a young man pays his road tax, pays his insurance, pays for his petrol and all the related taxes, then how can you tell him he doesn’t have the same rights as everyone else? An adult is an adult, whether he’s 18 or 88.

How is a curfew going to be enforced anyway? Are men between 17 and 24 going to be made drive specially coloured cars? Perhaps we could tattoo them on the forehead until they have reached a level of maturity which satisifies Gay Byrne.

Restricted engine sizes and speeds = more expense. Most young people, men and women, learn to drive in their parents car, what with them not being able to afford cars of their own. How does Gaybo propose to work this one? And if you own a car, if you pay your road tax, how can anyone tell you who you can and can’t bring in your car? I

Imagine if it were mooted that women drivers were to be curfewed. There would, quite rightly, be outrage. If would be slammed as sexist and discriminatory. Which is exactly what Byrne’s proposals are.

He still talks about drink driving being a menace but he ought to look at his generation and those around him as they’re the ones who grew up drinking and driving and I guarantee you they’re the ones that do it most.

Of course young men are involved in more accidents. They think themselves indestructible, they like speed, they take risks, but they do that in Ireland, in England, in America, in Peru, in every country in the world. You cannot change the character of young men. You simply have to accept that a certain amount of them are going to be involved in, and cause, road accidents every year.

The only way to stop it is to ban cars and that is quite clearly not an option. Pathetic, knee jerk proposals like curfews and engine restrictions are the workings of a man with nothing else to fill his day. What next? Drivers aged between 17 and 24 must spend three years in a special camp to help them focus and pay attention? A Concentration Camp, if you will.

Fuck. Off.

Le Verdict : Gaybo needs to do the honourable thing and sit in his house in Howth, overlooking the sea, and rock back and forward in his chair wearing a comfortable cardigan and slippers, perhaps reading a tedious John Banville novel, the underqualified, stupid rule making, interfering old Le Cunt.

(7 votes, average: 8.71 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : The Vintners Federation of Ireland & the Licensed Vintners Association – the cosy cartel that dictates the outrageous prices in Irish pubs.

L’evidence : Like every other industry the publicans are suffering from the harsh economic times. Hospitality is a traditional victim when people have less money in their pockets.

Yet look around. Hotels have reacted. They offer discount rates, at last ridding themselves of the ridiculous per person sharing prices, special offers, midweek breaks, promotions, all kinds. Restaurants too. You can go and get two and three course lunches for less than €20 and find fantastic value every night of the week as they also strive to bring customers back to their premises.

They are doing this by acknowledging the fact that they can offer better value. The simple laws of supply and demand. When demand is low increase it by providing incentives for customers to come back.

The Vintners Federation of Ireland, troubled by job losses and falling trade, have come up with proposals to help save their business. These include cutting VAT rates, cutting local authority rates, ensuring that the current drink driving limit remains the same as it is and other reductions which will help them remain competitive.

Yet will any of those cuts be passed on to consumers? Not a fucking chance. Neither the VFI or the LVA (which is the same thing but for Dublin pubs) have thought for one second about lowering prices to try and bring people back to their premises. When certain pubs offer promotions they are prosecuted. Short term drinks promotions, like Happy Hours, are illegal but even when pubs offer all night promotions, which is perfectly fine, the Vintners put the mockers on those too.

Vintners complain that jobs will be lost. Fuck them. I didn’t hear them complaining when they were charging people €6 for pints in Dublin city centre. Leaving aside the idiocy of the people who drink in those Dawson Street poshbars they creamed it in when people had plenty of cash. Massively overpriced beers, watered down spirits, packed premises which are about as comfortable as an Indian bus journey, and they screwed us every single night of the week. You didn’t hear a word out of them then.

Now on a weekend night in Dublin bars are empty until late, people preferring to stay at home and have a few reasonably priced beers. When a 6 pack of lager costs you €7.99 in the supermarket why are you going to go to a bar and spend €5.50 on one bottle of the same beer?

The obvious solution is for bars to lower their prices and offer better value but the vintners are greedy cunts. Like record companies trying to prevent piracy they’re more interested in nobbling the opposition (as per the Vintners led decision which made off-licences shut at 10pm each night – laughably wrapped up as a way of stopping teenagers binge drinking) instead of providing an answer themselves.

Le Verdict : More jobs are on the line? Good. It serves them right, the avaricious, fat-cat, tavern owning, profit seeking, ignore the realities of the situation and hope their buddies in government will bail them out of it Le Cunts.

(19 votes, average: 9.47 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Products which do not work as advertised.

L’evidence : Please look at the picture below:

I saw these yesterday in a leading German discount supermarket chain and took three in one go last night but I had no desire to get up and dance to bouncy house music while facing in the direction of the DJ all the while. Nor did I chew the inside of my cheeks off, make strange gurning faces or get any kind of ‘love buzz’.

Blatantly false and misleading. Bastards. So to try and ease my disappointment I decided to buy a game from the iTunes store for my iPhone. I looked around, found the one I wanted and downloaded it. See pic:

‘Brilliant concept’, I thought to myself. ‘Everyone has always thought Steve Davis to be one of the most boring men alive but what better way to shatter that illusion by having a game in which you control where and when Steve Davis poos?’

I had visions of a Super Mario style game where you had to rescue a princess using only your torpedo turds and violent diarrhea as weapons. Boy was I disappointed.

Le Verdict : Things that suggest they do something should actually do that thing instead of building up our hopes then cruelly dashing them, the lying, dissembling, stretching the truth Le Cunts.

(3 votes, average: 8.33 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt: Ashton Kutcher, actor and all round tosspot

L’evidence: If I were to sit here at my keyboard for the next 2000 years I should not have enough time to provide all the evidence that Kutcher is Le Cunt.

For a start his name is Ashton. That is, as names go, most stupid indeed. Also he was involved, as far as I can recall, in one of those ghastly candid camera type TV shows where he played pranks on unsuspecting celebs. Let’s face it, playing a prank on a celebrity is like breaking into a hospital room and having sex with someone in a coma. Anyone can do it but ultimately it’s not terribly satisfying.

He is also a big user of social networking site Twitter. I read that he had a challenge with some other person to see who could get a million followers first. He won this challenge and declared himself the world Twitter champion, or some such nonsense. Now over 3,000,000 people follow his Twitter stream. I’m sure it is an outlet for intelligent, considered thought, such as:

Meeting with Nike foundation to help end the sexual exploitation of girls.

Fantastic – who better than Nike to help end any kind of exploitation! And how considerate of Ashton to look out for them ‘lil ol’ girls.

Don’t it always seem 2 go, U don’t know what U got til it’s gone, they paved paradise & put up a parking lot- Joni Mitchell

If there’s anything worse than the whiny caterwauling of Joni Mitchell it’s transcribing Joni Mitchell into text speak.

Amazing how every day another big business bans or puts restriction on employee use of the social web. They R so scared of losing control.

Yes, how dare employees actually want their employees to work instead of cunting about all day on Twitter and Facebook.

I believe Booing is a low point in cultural ethics and has no place in humanity.

So how else should people express their displeasure? Perhaps they could crow like a rooster or smack their tits together. Saying booing has no place in humanity is like saying applause has no place in humanity and applause would mean nothing if there was no booing. As a celebrity who exists simply for people to tell him how great he is he would understand the value of the negative reaction if he wasn’t such a fatheaded tardbadger.

Now I realise you could go through anybody’s Twitter feed and make them out to be just as futile a human being as Ashton but most people did not star in ‘Dude, where’s my car?’ or any of the other truly awful films he’s been in that I have not seen because they have him in them.

Also, he is a Chelsea fan, a serious medical affliction which can be cured by drilling into the top of one’s head with a Black and Decker special. But does he take such measures? No, he does not, content to remain a Chelsea fan.

Le Verdict: There have been many great monsters in this world. Atilla the Hun, Genghis Khan, Wrathov Khan, Imran Khan and the lead singer from Maroon 5, but Ashton Kutcher beats them all, the shit filming being in, prank pulling, Twitter loving Le Cunt.

(14 votes, average: 8.86 out of 10)
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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Cloves, foul tasting bits of stick

L’evidence : There are many ways you could try and explain the taste of cloves to somebody. There are those who would use the word ‘aromatic’ but these are the kind of people who would listen to the Ryan Tubridy radio show and speak afterwards about what a genial wit the host was. In other words, these people are mentally retarded on a very serious level.

To give you a flavour of the flavour here are 5 things that taste better than cloves:

1 – The top of a battery

2 – The sweaty, lice infested gooch of a very fat homeless man

3 – Gone off fish minced with gone off chicken and fried in piss

4 – A poo that has been sealed inside a zip-locked plastic bag for 6 months and left out in the sun so it grows a kind of green slime all over it

5 – KFC

The list, frankly, could go on forever, yet people use cloves to spoil food. Apple pie is one of the greatest things of all time yet there are those that would serve it with cloves embedded in the crust. Why?

Would you serve a piece of Kobi beef, cooked to perfection, and then use a baby’s diarrhea as a sauce? No you would not. Would you serve a rack of lamb but instead of using fresh rosemary as a complimentary herb would you use nettles? Of course not.

So why use cloves on Apple pie? And why use cloves in whiskey? Whiskey is awesome, hot whiskey less so, but even lesserly so when they chuck a handful of dried clove buds into it. I don’t want a cluster of pig-swill in the top of my pint so fuck off with putting cloves in my whiskey.

And don’t even get me started on clove rock sweets. They look so tasty, red and white candy that should be all strawberry-y and delicious but instead tastes of the vomitous clove.

Le Verdict : Cloves, as I have proven above, are monstrously nauseating yet what does the public do to have this menace banned from our shelves? Nothing. That means they are sneaky, mind controlling, repellent pieces of tree Le Cunt

(10 votes, average: 9.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Stupid radio commercials that try and make it sound like it’s a good thing to sponsor a child in the third world.

L’evidence : For a start everyone knows that sponsoring a child is not something worthy like sponsoring a donkey in a sanctuary or sponsoring little Timmy from next door when he comes around with a photocopied sheet which makes it obvious he’s not doing a 5k walk but is, instead, going to take all the money he makes and spend it on Mr Freezes and John Player Blue.

Secondly, the ads themselves are ridiculous. Take this one for example, from worldvision.ie

“My 10 year old just told me how to solve a big problem. ‘You know those kids in Africa who get sick because they have to drink dirty water?’, she asked. ‘Let’s send them the Irish rain!’.

Hahahahahaha, it rains in Ireland. LO-FUCKING-L. Have you completely missed the part where our rotting, ancient pipe systems mean we lose 70% of the water we have as it tries to make its way from reservoir to tap? Even in the wettest country on earth we have to implement hosepipe bans after anything more than three days of sunshine. So what water would you like us to send them exactly?

And has your 10 year old thought about the logistics of capturing and then transporting Ireland’s rain? I doubt it. In fact, it appears to me that your 10 year old is probably quite retarded for even considering such a plan. Maybe you ought to get that checked out instead of bleating about African kids who, despite the fact they’re starving and suffering the effects of famine, aren’t complete ‘cappers like your kid.

Then there’s the other woman who says her kids are always going on about how it’s not fair that they have to go back to school. Then she highlights the case of some kid in Africa who can’t go to school at all and how that’s not fair. Then she goes and sponsors the kid and the kid is sent to school.

Did anybody asked that child if they want to go to school? They’re probably quite content hanging around all day, scrumping whatever it is to be scrumped from African orchards and playing Playstation (admittedly it’s PS1 but that’s a damn sight more interesting than having to go to school). But all of a sudden because some do-gooder from Ireland with more money than sense wants to feel good about themselves they’re packed off every morning wearing a scratchy uniform while all their friends play three and in all day long.

Apparently when you sponsor a child they write you letters as it seems giving them money immediately enables them to read and write in perfect English. Yeah, right. The whole thing is a load of bollocks and unless you actually own the kid after spending money on it then what’s the point? If I could pay a tenner a month and have a little black kid of my own to dress up like the cop from the Village People then I’d be well on for it, otherwise I’m not interested.

Le Verdict : Sponsoring children is a dangerous practice and makes for very annoying radio ads. It’s a big pile of bleeding-heart, painful audio Le Cunt.

(5 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Ghosts, spirits, echoes of the dead, spectres etc

L’evidence : From 1998 until earlier this year I was haunted by a ghost called Victoria. She was a scullery maid who had died in tragic circumstances in my house many years before.

The incident, I learned over time, took place in the room where I hang up my coats and keep sheets and other assorted linen. Every time I went in to get something she would pop out of the wall or from behind a pile of duvet covers and scare the living shit out of me. Annoying. And that’s not even mentioning the ghost droppings she used to leave behind.

People say ghosts are only there because they have unfinished business in the real world. Well, tough shit, ghosts. The minute you’re dead any connection you had with the real world is gone so you need to get over it and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Ghosts are like the Scousers of the spirit world, they’re always making a drama out of something instead of just getting on with life. However, at least some Scousers have a sense of humour, like Stan Boardman or Cilla Black. Ghosts, on the other hand, are humourless twats.

They think scaring people is their right, well it is not. If they want to float about going ‘Woooooooooooooh’ then fine, just do it somewhere else. People have more important things to be dealing with these days. They are downright unfriendly. When did you ever hear of a friendly ghost apart from Casper? And the only people who want to be Casper’s friends are ghost paedophiles.

Ghosts also think they’re so great because they can go through walls but the reality is that puts ghosts on a par with a sledgehammer or a car traveling at high speed and there’s nothing particularly great about either of those things.

Le Verdict : In short ghosts are a waste of everyone’s time, much like recycling or donating money to charity. They need to realise that nobody apart from some moronic charlatans from Living TV who have a infra-red camera give the slightest shit about them. They are phantom, spooky, apparitionish see-through, misty Le Cunts.

(4 votes, average: 7.25 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Automatic re-tweeting of people’s Tweets just because they happen to contain a particular word.

L’evidence : This kind of crap:

‘@languageplease’ – Oh my, how witty. Or, to put it another way, how unbelievably pointless. 99.97% of what goes on Twitter is irrelevant anyway and the occasional good stuff gets re-Tweeted when it has been separated from the rest of the chaff. But re-Tweeting something just because it’s got some swear words in it is so pathetic it’s untrue.

Also, they have made me write the sentence ‘Automatic re-tweeting of people’s Tweets’. Tweets. Dear Jesus, what have we become?

Le verdict : Anything that makes the banal even more banal is worthy of being labelled a load of Twitter twatter RT Le Cunt.

(2 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]