Le Cunt : Budweiser ‘beer’

L’evidence : Americans make lots of great stuff. Like the Rockford Files, the Cadillac, Monster Trucks and mountains with giant faces carved into them but one thing they cannot do well is make beer.

The most famous American beer is, of course, Budweiser. It is vastly popular in Ireland even though it is like drinking carbonated gnat’s urine. Look at the picture below. On the left is a pint of Budweiser. On the right a pint of fizzed up insect piss.

If Budweiser were meat it’d be porcupine chops. If Budweiser were a place it would be the Isle of Man. If Budweiser were a fruit it would be an avocado, utterly bland. If Budweiser were a former English Prime Minister it would be John Major. If Budweiser were a band it would be Westlife. If Budweiser were a solo artist it would be Chesney Hawkes. If Budweiser were a county in Ireland it would be Leitrim. If Budweiser were a football manager it would be Steve Staunton. If Budweiser were an Olympic athlete it would Eddie ‘The Eagle’ Edwards. If Budweiser were a film director it would that cunt who makes those Transformer films. If Budweiser were a car it would be a 1971 Skoda. If Budweiser were a Taoiseach it would be Brian Cowen. If Budweiser were an opposition politician it would be Enda Kenny.

Budweiser is the Enda fucking Kenny of beer.

So with so many other beers out there why do people choose to drink it? Even the mass produced lagers like Carlsberg and Heineken are better, and that’s really not saying much.

Some people might say ‘Oh, you’re just a beer snob’ but that is untrue. If I decide to eat a delicious meal instead of a plate of my own crunchy shite it’s because the shite tastes like shite, not because I’m a food snob.

If you were to give me the choice between drinking a pint of Budweiser and drinking a pint of Freddie Mercury’s blood mixed with a pint of the contents of Marc Almond’s stomach I would choose the latter. Those that would choose the Budweiser are the kind who would prefer to eat a frozen kebab from Aldi rather than a well-cooked steak simply because they have to actually cook it themselves. They would turn their noses up at a lobster and eat a fish-finger sandwich instead.

And those Christmassy ads with the horses with the furry boots on have no effect on me, you schmaltzy fuckbags.

Le Verdict : Both Budweiser, for producing something so vile, and the people who actually pay money to drink it, are a load of weak-aled, beer ignoramus, advertising suckered Les Cunts.

(16 votes, average: 10.00 out of 10)

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