Le Cunt : Ghosts, spirits, echoes of the dead, spectres etc

L’evidence : From 1998 until earlier this year I was haunted by a ghost called Victoria. She was a scullery maid who had died in tragic circumstances in my house many years before.

The incident, I learned over time, took place in the room where I hang up my coats and keep sheets and other assorted linen. Every time I went in to get something she would pop out of the wall or from behind a pile of duvet covers and scare the living shit out of me. Annoying. And that’s not even mentioning the ghost droppings she used to leave behind.

People say ghosts are only there because they have unfinished business in the real world. Well, tough shit, ghosts. The minute you’re dead any connection you had with the real world is gone so you need to get over it and stop feeling sorry for yourselves. Ghosts are like the Scousers of the spirit world, they’re always making a drama out of something instead of just getting on with life. However, at least some Scousers have a sense of humour, like Stan Boardman or Cilla Black. Ghosts, on the other hand, are humourless twats.

They think scaring people is their right, well it is not. If they want to float about going ‘Woooooooooooooh’ then fine, just do it somewhere else. People have more important things to be dealing with these days. They are downright unfriendly. When did you ever hear of a friendly ghost apart from Casper? And the only people who want to be Casper’s friends are ghost paedophiles.

Ghosts also think they’re so great because they can go through walls but the reality is that puts ghosts on a par with a sledgehammer or a car traveling at high speed and there’s nothing particularly great about either of those things.

Le Verdict : In short ghosts are a waste of everyone’s time, much like recycling or donating money to charity. They need to realise that nobody apart from some moronic charlatans from Living TV who have a infra-red camera give the slightest shit about them. They are phantom, spooky, apparitionish see-through, misty Le Cunts.

(4 votes, average: 7.25 out of 10)

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