Le Cunt : Sub-par narcotics

L’evidence : Leaving aside all moral, ethical and legal discussion of drugs, the basic premise is simple : you take them to alter your state of mind/body.

Some cocaine will pep you up, a pill will make you dance, a trip will make you see things, some grass will get you stoned, and so on.

But when you get drugs which are crap and barely do what they’re supposed to then one has every right to be unhappy. How many times have you got some hash which looks like hash, smells like hash, burns like hash, smokes like hash, but does about as much as smoking a piece of tractor tyre? Too many times, I’d say.

I remember one time during some drought in the early 90s going to the Old Chinaman and buying what looked like excellent stuff from a particularly sinsister looking chap. When I got home and smoked it, instead of getting me stoned, it had the exact opposite effect. I was reverse stoned and when you want to be stoned that is not an acceptable state to be in. Of course I couldn’t go back and complain, the bloke was so evil looking this is the first time I’ve mentioned it and it was over 15 years ago. It still rankles though.

And what the fuck is wrong with E these days? I paid £30 for my first E, way back in the day, but I was off my bracket for about three days. Now you can get 10 pills for €25 but you need to take all of them to get through the night. They’re rubbish and it’s a sad indictment of young people today that they accept such shoddy merchandise.

I want one pill that will make my stomach flip after about 30 minutes and have me dancing, facing the same way as everyone else, within the hour. If you can’t give me that, fuck off.

Le verdict : I’m quite happy to pay my money, and I realise there’s an element of risk involved when purchasing drugs, but fuck me I want them to be more like Ronseal, doing exactly what it says on the tin, even though there is no tin, instead of the sub-par load of cheap-arsed, mass produced, ALDI standard shite you’ve just sold me, you shit dealing Le Cunt.

(14 votes, average: 9.57 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : Those prune faced le cunts who self righteously appoint themselves as gate keepers

L’evidence:

“I need to see a doctor”
“Name”
“I don’t care what he’s called, I have chest pains”
“What’s your name?”
“Maxi Cane”
“Date of birth”
“What?  My left arm tingles”
“Date of birth”
“Can’t remember but you’ll know my date of death if you have me stand here any longer”
“Have you been here before?”
“No, and I’m having second thoughts about coming back, let alone recommending a friend”
“Medical history?”
“I don’t know, I was fine this morning and now I have chest pains”
“We can’t see you without your medical history”
“Why?”
“Are you allergic to anything?”
“You”
“Fill out these forms and come back to us”
“Get ta fuck, I need to see a doctor”
“And we need to see those forms filled out”
“Is there a doctor available now?”
“Have you an appointment?”
“You’re going the right way for a beating.  How can I make an appointment when I don’t know when I’ll be having chest pains?”
“You’ll need to fill those forms out and make an appointment”
“I could be dead by then”
“You better get your finger out then”
“When is the soonest available appointment then?”
“Tomorrow at 2pm”
“TOMORROW?  Are you serious?”
“That is if you’ve filled out the forms”
“Finding, it, hard, to, speak, at, normal, pace, chest, feels, like, it’s, closing, in, left, arm, tingles, need, ambulance,”
“Get off the floor, this won’t get you admitted any sooner”
“What’s, that, light?  Grandma?”
“NEXT!”

Le Verdict: It warms my cardiac arrested heart to know that these turkey necked le cunts are more worried about the tidiness of their filing system than my health.  Surgery Hitlers every one of them.  That is unless you happen to be Edna from the bridge night in the local parish hall, then you’re right in there.

Contemptuous void of all emotion slaves to administration beurocratic heart attack voyeurism enjoying nazi Le Cunts.

(9 votes, average: 9.22 out of 10)

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Submitted by: Maxi Cane

Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : The season that isn’t Spring, Summer or Autumn

L’evidence : Let me put this in bullets points.

• It’s cold
• It’s dark
• It’s quite often wet
• It’s very often cold, wet and dark at the same time
• Going outside means putting on lots of clothes and scarves and gloves etc
• Going somewhere after going outside means you have to disrobe and find somewhere to put all that stuff
• It is not warm
• Christmas is in winter and Christmas is a load of old bollocks
• The cost of heating ones house is greatly increased
• Getting out of the shower in winter is one of the worst things ever
• Wet, cold feet
• Getting a freezing cold football in the thigh on a February evening is even worse than getting out of the shower in winter

Le Verdict : So as you can see there is nothing good about winter. We don’t get picturesque snow, we get mouldy slush. No doubt there are some Australians reading this who are saying “Haha, matey, winter down here is awesome” but then they’ee Australians and nobody gives a good hold fuck what those cunts think.

If humans were in any way civilised or had the tiniest bit of brain power the equator would be the most vastly populated region on earth. Instead we live in stupid places and have to put up with a load of freezing cold for months of the year Le Cunt.

(6 votes, average: 8.33 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

If my name had been Philip, I would have been a pharmacist

Le Cunt: People called Damien.

L’evidence: Legion, so it is. Damiens Rice and Dempsey. Singer songwriters so insipid as to make unseasoned, boiled to fuck cabbage soup made by grandmothers through the ages seem like a tasty night out in a high end curry house.

Damien Thorn, as featured in award winning seventies documentary “The Omen”. While Master Thorne’s aversion to all manner of Catholic priests and churches is something to which your correspondent happily relates, the whole  bringing about end times, employing snarky housekeepers and owning scary dogs pushes Le Beast firmly into Le Cunt territory.

Damien Macken. Called Damo by his  entourage . Anything and everything that does not meet with Damo’s exacting rugby-playing, knuckle-dragging standards is summarily dismissed as “gay”.  The intelligent, the slightly less well off, the nose breathers, all homosexual in the eyes of my erstwhile school chum. One confidently assumes that little has changed in twenty years.

Le verdict: Anyone I can think of whose name is Damien, and if there are others they are surely hewn from the same fossilised shit, is either a sinning against music, sinning against humanity or sinning against my teenage self Le Cunt.

(8 votes, average: 7.75 out of 10)

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Popularity: 2% [?]

Le Cunt : The fact that half your dinner gets caught in your choppers when you eat certain foods

L’evidence : Tonight I cooked for myself a delicious, organic corn on the cob. Personally I prefer the frozen ones but these were on special offer in the supermarket and I’m a thrifty fucker at the best of times so I bought them. With the corn I had a steak.

It was delicious, thanks for asking, but afterwards I was left with corn and bits of meat stuck between my teeth. I cannot floss as the sensation of it makes me want to puke. I always feel like I’m going to either pull one of my teeth out or give myself a paper-cut style cut which would not stop bleeding for days.

I am, as I write this, tongueing away madly trying to remove these bits of food. Some of them nearly come loose then go back into their hidey holes. I have brushed my teeth twice but the stuff is still there.

Has it ever occured to anyone that humans have stopped evolving? Because if we still were we wouldn’t have loads of different teeth which get stuff stuck between them, we’d have one giant tooth on the top and one giant tooth on the bottom with different shapes, ridges and lengths depending on where it was in your mouth. But the overall structure would be uniform.

You cannot get something caught between one thing. It is physically, scientifically and melodically impossible.

I’m now swooshing with red wine to help dislodge some of the debris but I just know that some time on Friday I’m gonna move my tongue around and out will come a kernel of corn. And after I eat that kernel it will come out exactly the same in my poo. But that’s a story for another day.

Le Verdict : Teeth are great but shockingly badly designed, leaving us mere mortals to re-chew our dinner way after we’ve finished, the enamel Le Cunts.

(5 votes, average: 9.40 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Keeping a blog going

L’evidence : Look at the date of this post compared with the last one. I mean, it’s not like there aren’t loads of Le Cunts out there. Nor is it as if there aren’t other people who could contribute to this blog but seem to be too busy living life.

Maybe I should Le Cunt ‘life’ although the suspicious, superstitious in me fears the worst with that one.

Still, gotta get my finger out.

*Writes draft of ‘Having to get finger out*

It’s vicious Le Cunt circle. You know. Vicious.

Le verdict : Blogs are a fucking chore at the best of times. At the worst they’re also a chore, the chorish Le Cunts.

(6 votes, average: 9.50 out of 10)

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Popularity: 100% [?]

Le Cunt : A TV show that used to be funny but now has gone on so long it’s not funny anymore.

L’evidence : See below:

Family Guy Season 8 has just started. I assume they have written, voiced, directed and produced most of those episodes already.

What a waste of time because Family Guy is just not funny anymore. It is to making people laugh what Beth Ditto is to anorexia.

The same is true of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. It used to be brilliantly surreal, now it’s like everyone got a big hat on saying ‘I AM ZANY!!! LOL!!’.

They can fuck off as well.

Le Verdict : If these TV shows were people they’d be the kind of cunts you didn’t want to come back to your house after the nightclub. The ones that makes everyone else a bit uncomfortable because nobody really likes them but they’re always around.

Either start being funny again or fuck off, you not learning the lessons of Cheers Le Cunts.

(10 votes, average: 6.90 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Little fuckers who play football games online who insist on watching replays

L’evidence : Hard to provide. This is a brief one anway. You’re playing FIFA or PES online against some scuttery shit who nearly always plays as United or Barcelona.

They score. You push X or start of whatever to speed things up if possible but the fucker watches the goal from every possible angle, choosing not to cut short the replays.

I don’t know about you but if somebody pointed one of these people out to me when I was sitting in a bar or even just walking down the street I would violate them to within an inch of their life with a trumpet.

Le Verdict : Just get on with the game you online, showboating, replay loving Le Cunts.

(14 votes, average: 8.57 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Manufacturers insistence on using stupid packaging.

L’evidence : Today I bought a memory stick so as to be able to swap files in a flash.

The first thing you notice is that the memory stick itself is very small. Perhaps, 2 inches in length, 3/4 of an inch in width, yet it comes in plastic packaging many times its size.

We’re constantly being preached about conservationism, protecting the environment and all that yet they package goods in this way. It’s the equivalent of buying a pint of Bulmers and being served it in a jeroboam.

Then there’s the whole problem of getting the thing open. It is impossible to open this kind of packaging without a knife or scissors of some kind. Why? If we can have easy open packets of ham, which you can even reseal, why does a memory stick have to be practically laminated?

Why can’t they just make a small packet that’s really easy to open? Have they made a deal with the scissor and knife makers of the world? Whatever the reasons they are stupid. There’s absolutely nothing sensible or logical about this and it’s time consuming too. Time is money and I don’t have enough money because it takes so much time to open these fucking things.

And where does this excess plastic end up? I’ll tell you. I put it in my Green bin. They come and collect the Green bin and pretend to ‘recycle’ the plastic. Instead, the plastic is shipped to China and buried in giant landfills or it is brought out to sea and dumped to add to the plastic island that engulfs the Pacific ocean. All because these cunts can’t package their products with a bit of sense.

Le Verdict : I now have the ability to quickly and conveniently move files but I also have a load of plastic I don’t want. Start wrapping things in biodegradable packaging like old teabags or brown paper, you wasteful, irritating Le Cunts.

(11 votes, average: 9.73 out of 10)

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Popularity: 3% [?]

Le Cunt : Actor, singer, twat, Jamie Foxx:

L’evidence : Is it that he thinks he’s funny when actually he’s not?

Is it that his musical efforts are hopelessly twee, bland and stale?

Is that the films he is in are generally shit?

No. It is none of those things although those things count.

It is because he spells his name ‘Foxx’.

You don’t need two Xs Jamie. One is more than sufficient. Two is beyond greedy. It’s cuntish in the extreme. The only way it could possibly be worse is if you spell it ‘Foks’ or some variation of that.

What is wrong with just ‘Fox’? Less is more sometimes.Is there another Jamie Fox out there? Even if there was, why worry? Everyone would be able to tell the difference. One is not a cunt, the other is you.

I do not spell my name Etienne Plutard le Cuntt, do I? No, I do not. That is because I am not a cunt.

Le Verdict : He’s Le Cunt of an actor, Le Cunt of a singer, Le Cunt of a compere, Le Cunt of a comedian but he’s such a fucking Le Cunt for the way he spells his name I’m thinking of changing this website’s name to Le Foxx.

(6 votes, average: 8.00 out of 10)

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Popularity: 5% [?]